Monster Mash 2: Summer Sanitarium
Aug 13, 2020 8:55:25 GMT -5
Madwoman Szalinski and Madman Szalinski like this
Post by Sara Pettis on Aug 13, 2020 8:55:25 GMT -5
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***WARNING***
The following tournament might be the most fucked up thing you've read all year. It is purely based in fantasy, and in no way reflects the interests of Revolution1 Wrestling. All creative decisions and directions are credited to Nathan Gust, the handler of such characters as Raging Dead, Sara Pettis, Aj Nin Red Rum and WrestleBot3000. Any questions, comments, concerns, unfiltered rage or unexplained erections should be directed toward him.
The following tournament might be the most fucked up thing you've read all year. It is purely based in fantasy, and in no way reflects the interests of Revolution1 Wrestling. All creative decisions and directions are credited to Nathan Gust, the handler of such characters as Raging Dead, Sara Pettis, Aj Nin Red Rum and WrestleBot3000. Any questions, comments, concerns, unfiltered rage or unexplained erections should be directed toward him.
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Prologue
Established in 1827, the Genesee County Poor House (originally a working farm) soon became a refuge for some of society's less fortunate. Widows and orphans mingled with the mentally ill and the unclaimed dead were buried on the property. With over 1,700 documented deaths and hundreds not recorded, it's no wonder Haunted North America rated it as the second most haunted site in the United States.
Today it is the home of Monster Mash 2: Summer Sanitarium. What an unbelievably spooky place to hold a professional wrestling event. Throw in the chaos surrounding and consuming the Revolution1 Horrorcore Tournament of Doom. This event is the sequel to last year's Monster Mash (obviously), which featured Trinity Wrestling. Two visionaries combined their genius to put together the event you're about to witness. One of them is a retired megastar and father of five by the name of Aj Nin Red Rum.
The other is me.
Hi.
You can call me Raging Dead.
Ironically… at Action Wrestling Chaos… I was murdered under the guise of entertainment by Frank Lowe. I know, I know. I'm dead. How could I possibly be narrating this event? Is any of this really happening? Is this championship even Revolution1 canon?!
Only time will tell.
Some of the wildest and craziest people signed up for this tournament, knowing full well they knew not what lied ahead. And yet… they all made their way to East Bethany, New York with aspirations of being crowned Horrorcore Champion. Okay… so they mostly did it to earn a shot at Sarah Lacklan… but this is my fuckin' show… so I'll spin it however I want.
The prestigious Horrorcore Championship hung from the ceiling by a steel chain throughout the entire event. Every competitor gazed upon it with envy because of how badass it looked. The first round was about to begin… and nobody knew who they were facing in the preliminary round. Since there weren't as many applicants as expected… I decided to beef up the tournament just a smidge by digging up some old friends.
Some of them literally.
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Round One! Fight!
A wrestling ring in the middle of an asylum was quite a spectacle. There was just enough room for ghouls of all kinds to surround the ring. They were shocked to see the goliath called Bone Breaker enter the ring… against Rev1's own Centurion. Breaker towered over Centurion by at least a foot… which didn't give him the advantage in their Piranha Deathmatch. It was a one sided battle, as Breaker was more brawn than brains. Centurion nearly gouged Breaker's eyes out of his mask, and shoved him right into the piranha tank.
Next up was… Lunatic Lumberjack Match?! Who the fuck comes up with this shit?! Oh… uhh… me. The combatants were Carnivore and recently signed Rev1 star Kyle Halford. I was pleased to see Carnivore in action, despite his disdain for me even in death. I have fond memories of our time as a tag team. Anyway… what a brutal encounter this was. The lunatics actually did more damage to them than they did to each other. At one point, they joined forces to battle the lunatis… until Carnivore sacrificed Halford and they took him away. That must mean Carnivore was victorious.
Kalinda Kriegsdottir entered the ring for a Tijuana Deathmatch. Her opponent was dragged kicking and screaming from Hell. His name… SkorchD. What is a Tijuana Deathmatch? Well… there's all kinds of sick shit involved. A board with razor blades. Lemon juice. Skewers. But mostly… tequila. Neither of them seemed interested in fighting once they started taking shots of tequila. Kalinda proved to be too much for SkorchD… and he died… again.
I couldn't believe my eyes when Violator returned from the depths of Hell to take on my brother-in-law Apokalypse in Barbed Wire Madness. Literally everything was wrapped in barbed wire. Table, ladder, chair, ropes. Even the fuckin' ref was wrapped in barbed wire! He's no Trapson… but he did okay. Apokalypse picked up the win after powerbombing Violator onto a barbed wire grand piano.
When I first saw that Thomas Snow had entered himself in the Tournament of Doom… I couldn't help laughing hysterically. It was such an obnoxious laughter that I interrupted Hitler's weekly Thursday evening waterboard enema. This kid is about as hardcore as Playdoh. Then when he walked gingerly to the ring barefoot for a Lego Deathmatch… and his opponent was a goofball called SmurfMaster… I died all over again. Yes, SmurfMaster is a man who believes himself to be an actual Smurf. He even died his skin blue. Anyway… they slap boxed for a few minutes before SmurfMaster stepped on some Legos and… he tapped out.
Madman Szalinski's challenge was fierce as he took on The Almighty Bear in Harambe Memorial Match. Yes… Madman versus an actual bear… where the loser would be murdered by lethal injection. Who the fuck booked this shit?! Oh… that's right… me. Madman got beat up pretty badly. He even had both of his arms ripped off by Bear, who beat him senseless with them. Madman managed to kick Bear in his big ol' bear dick, then he slipped on a lethal injection boot and superkicked him to death.
Lucretia Black crawled out of a pit of liquid death to take on a creature called The Necrophile. Take a guess at what he's into. Their match stipulation? Cinder Block Match! To win the match… one of them had to smash the other over the head with a cinder block. I'm sure you guessed by now the ol' Black bitch walked out victorious. Necrophile was sent packing back to the morgue where he's never been harder.
The final match of the preliminary round saw Them Cheney Boys taking on the monster… the myth… the legend… Nirvana Wolfgang Von Frankenstein. Until recently I thought I was the only one allowed to call him that. Their match was a disaster. It was a Match of 1000 Lighttubes. The ropes were lined with lighttubes, which Nirvana took great pleasure sending Jacob and Clyde into. Clyde was taken out by gettin' stabbed in the neck by a lighttube. Jacob's fate was sealed when Nirvana powerbombed him into a casket filled with lighttubes.
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Pandora's Box
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The Madness Continues
Next up was an Exploding Ring Deathmatch between Apokalypse and Kalinda Kriegsdottir. Apok is used to matches like this from his time in Japan. Kalinda… isn't even a human being. This was a great battle… because Apok kept wrecking her with power moves… just waiting for something to explode… but she kept getting back up. Probably because she's an immortal dragon or whatever. Apok put her up top and climbed up after… only for her to breathe fire… blasting him off the ropes. Then she flew off and landed on him with a Possum Splash and the ring fucking exploded! When the dust settled… Kalinda was left standing… victorious.
The next match was a Taipei Deathmatch. The ring had two buckets filled with broken glass. Two brave (or stupid) warriors had to wrap their hands in double sided tape… dip them in glue… and then dip them in glass. Those very two… Madman Szalinski and Thomas Snow. I know, I know. Madman seemed at peace with his hands covered in broken glass. Thomas was more resistant, and asked if he could wear OSHA approved safety gloves. Nope. He took some aspirin and gave into the stipulation, proving he will do anything for a shot at the Rev1 World Championship. The two squared off and Madman started throwing wild punches. Thomas was quick to evade them all and he caught Madman with a punch right underneath his ribcage. Madman toppled over, clenching his stomach. Thomas showed concern, and that was a mistake because Madman kicked him square in the dick… with a taipei boot! I didn't even see him set that shit up! Madman took advantage and he gave Thomas a few jabs before superkicking Thomas with the taipei boot for the win.
Heaven to Hell Match. The very match where Ice killed Aj Nin Red Rum many years ago. Oh, sure, he came back… again. That shit happens a lot in our family… but I'm not only merely dead. I'm really most sincerely dead. The final two warriors of round two… Madwoman's parents… Nirvana and Lucretia. This surely wasn't the first time they battled, as they seemed like a previous fight picking back up where it left off. They worked their way out of the ring and fought all the way up to the scaffold over the ring. A blinding light shown on them at the same time a ring of fire appeared in the ring. Get it? Heaven… and Hell? Yeah, you get it. Lucretia targeted various weak spots on the old man and nearly took out his good eye. As he lied on the scaffold, she looked down and smiled. She was on the cusp of victory when he said, "I'm sorry. I love you." Then he reached up and clenched her by the throat, launching her off of the scaffold… into the ring of fire… and the whole ring was set ablaze. Lucretia was nowhere to be seen. Nirvana was declared victorious. Then the fire spread. Mass panic ensued as the auditorium was evacuated. The last thing we saw was a smirk on Nirvana's face.
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1825 Volts
As he put her in the chair, a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. He turned around to see… his late wife Becky! Sara's mom! Former World Champion Ice! OH MY GOD! Aj Nin could not believe his eyes. He thought he had died and crossed over to finally be with his wife, who was more beautiful than ever. As he reached out to embrace his wife, Madwoman locked on the Kiss of Death and pulled him into the seat. She held on until he was unconscious, then crawled out of the chair and locked him into place. She hesitated, looking at Becky for a sign. Becky burst into flames and morphed into Lucretia! She grabbed Madwoman's hand and forced her to pull the lever! 1825 volts of electricity surged through Aj Nin's body!
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The Final Battle
When the smoke settled… it was just the four of them. One of them would walk away as the Revo1 Horrorcore Champion. What a fucking wild night… and it was far from over. To further the tension between the four… Kalinda whipped Nirvana and Madman with her tail… because she's a… dragon? Sure. Okay. Carnivore was able to catch her tail with his teeth and he clenched down, biting a chunk out of it. He chewed it up and swallowed, then complained that it was undercooked. The two started to brawl as Nirvana and Madman eyed each other up. Inevitable that these two would fight. They locked up amongst the rubble like it was a traditional wrestling match.
Weird.
Nirvana used his strength advantage to pull Madman into a bearhug. Madman drove his thumb into Nirvana's good eye, but the bear hug remained strong. He did everything in his power to escape but nothing worked. Feeling the effects of the hold drain him, Madman put a hand under Nirvana's chin and one behind his head, snapping his neck. The hold was released and Nirvana fell to the ground. Feeling some remorse, he turned around right into a big boot from Carnivore. Kalinda was nowhere to be seen. For the timing being, it was down to two combatants. One, the father of MadClan. The other, my former tag team partner.
Carnivore started off with an advantage as Madman landed on a pile of bricks from that big boot. Carnivore dug through the rubble and found some loose barbed wire from the spider web earlier in the event. He wrapped his arm tightly with it and waited for Madman to stumble right into a lariat. Unsure how to win a match without a referee present, Carnivore covered him anyway. That is when I showed up, wearing a striped shirt. I counted one… two… Madman kicked out. Carnivore got up and it looked like he saw a ghost. Well… he kind of did… and it was me.
We argued about the count. He thought it was slow. I haven't been corporeal for a while but I stood by that count. He went right back to work, dragging Madman to his feet. Determined to be a two-time number one contender, he put Madman up in a fireman's carry and then threw him up for a knee to the face… but Madman caught his leg and nailed him with a dragon screw leg whip. Both men crashed onto the rubble pretty hard. As they lie motionless, Kalinda flew back to the scene only to be smacked with a nail embedded baseball bat by… Nirvana?!
I had thought he was dead… but… ehh.
Nirvana looked proud as Kalinda carefully and painfully pulled the bat out of her stomach. Her eyes lit up with fire and she charged at Nirvana, and the two engaged in a vicious battle that spilled up a hill of stacked lunatics. Once atop, the ground shook and split open. They were consumed by the Earth… lunatics and combatants alike. It was then down to Carnivore and Madman… again.
Carnivore started singing "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" as he slowly got to his feet. He looked around for Madman, and then asked me what was going on. I pointed up to another pile of stacked lunatics, as Madman flew off and clobbered him with a shooting star press. Again, both men lied motionless. Madman put his hand on Carnivore and I counted one… two… but he kicked out. Completely spent, Madman pushed up to his knees and he straightened his mask. He gave me a nod and I gave one back. He clenched Carnivore and pulled him up, whispering "sweet dreams" and then planting him with a Scoopstone onto the rubble. He went for the cover again and I counted one… two… three!
With that… Madman Szalinski had won the Tournament of Doom… and all the glories that come with it. The Horrorcore Championship materialized and I awarded it to Madman. We shook hands and then I returned to my deluxe apartment in the seventh circle of Hell.
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Epilogue
Did any of this really happen?!
Was it all just a dehydrated fever dream?!
Is Madman Szalinski even the Revolution1 Horrorcore Champion?!
Is Sarah Lacklan fucked?!
Only time will tell...
