We All Have Ghosts (vs Pettis and Mags)

You can't keep failing them. Everyone depends on you Jin. You need to get your shit together.






You failed against Mags. You talked that big game and you BLEW IT! You let everyone down.




You got that This Is Awesome sponsorship... sure that is helping everyone now... but you know that all goes away if you keep fucking up.






As I stand under the singular swaying light in a run down martial arts studio not far from my house my mind can't help but focus on my loss to Maggie. How I got a little too cocky... a little too flustered... and I let everything I worked for come crashing down.




Thank god Soobin and Jiyeon's dad let me use his Taekwondo studio after hours. Benefits of being the neighborhood hero I guess. I needed somewhere private... quiet... to work through this frustration... this disappointment.




I spin around and my heel strikes a wooden column used for practice. The mats used to soften the impact on your hands and feet ripped off because well... I don't deserve the protection.





I can feel the bruises forming on my feet and shins. My hands already scraped and raw. It doesn't matter. I have to push through. I have to ignore the pain. I won't be weak any longer.



As I spin around again this time slamming a backfist against the splintering wood I feel it break skin. Scrapes begin turning to tears. And blood starts to seep out of wounds. The red. More red.


? ? ?: You know I hate to see you do this to yourself.


I recognize the voice. Because of course I do. It's the voice of a life long gone. A voice I pretended still had a person to come from. Tae.


Min-jun: I know you're not real.

"Taehyun": Of course I'm not. But what I have to say is. You really need to stop blaming yourself. What happened in that match wasn't your fault. Losing the title wasn't your fault. You worked incredibly hard it just wasn't enough on that one single night.

Min-jun: It was my fault. It was solely my fault. Had I landed one more shot. Had I worked her injury more. I could have won. I could have retained. I could have sent all the money back here to the people who need it. I failed them.


My voice echoes around the otherwise silent room. I don't turn to see if this ghost of my mind is standing beside me. I know even if I see him.. he's not really there.


I don't even know why I'm having this conversation right now. Just ignore him. Throw one more punch.. and then another... until you can't. Then maybe you can go rest.



"Taehyun": So what? You're going to punish yourself? You're going to keep going until you're exhausted? Til the disappointment stops hurting? And then what? You'll go into this rematch hurt. You'll psych yourself out and lose again. And then you'll spiral further. And hurt yourself more. And then there won't be any more Min-jun left. No hero for his neighborhood to look up to. No son for his parents to dote on. No friend for Jessie or Khaos or Cerise to hang out with.


I try to pretend I don't hear his words. Because realistically I shouldn't be able to. He isn't real so what he says... it isn't either. But that's what makes it worse. Because deep down I know this isn't a ghost telling me all of this.

It's me. It's me projecting what little reason I have left at this point onto someone I know deep down I've always trusted to be honest with me. Someone who never let me wallow in my self pity. And as much as I know that his... I mean my words are true... none of that helps stop the fear.


What if I lose again? What if This Is Awesome drops me as a client? I'll lose everything I've worked for. No more winner's "purse" to help pay for these kids' school supplies. No more sponsorship money to cover everyone's groceries. No more TV show or shoe deal to help raise money for charity or help out people like me who have the weight of the world on their shoulders.



When I look to my hands all I see is red. I breathe heavily as I bring my shaking hands closer to my face, my breath hitting the wounds with a sting.


"Taehyun": You need to stop blaming yourself. For what happened to me. For the situation our community is in. For losing a match. All of it. You have given so much of yourself to everyone else. You have done more to help our neighborhood than ANYONE. The only person who is disappointed in you.. is you. So many people are proud of you. So many people care about you.


As his words ring through my mind I hear the front door to the building creep open, the winter wind whistling through the crack.


"Taehyun": And I think that's one of those people right now.

? ? ?: Jin? Are you in here?


I look over to see Rae cautiously walking through the front of the studio. Once he sees me I notice him visibly sigh with relief.


Yeong-rae: JIN! You had me so worried. You went radio silent for days!


He rushes over and forcefully hugs me for a moment.


Min-jun: How did you know where I was?

Yeong-rae: I went to your house. Your mom didn't know where you went, but some of your neighbor's kids did. Said you were at their dad's martial arts gym. What are you doing here so late?


Before I can answer Rae he looks to my hands and sees them dripping with blood.


Yeong-rae: Min-jun what are you doing? You're hurt. We need to go clean this up.


Refusing to let me protest he pulls me towards the office and begins searching for a first aid kit. Upon retrieving one he begins to clean up my wound. I try to pull my hands away from the sting of the alcohol wipes, but he holds them firm before beginning to wrap my fingers with bandages.


Yeong-rae: Why are you doing this to yourself? Is this because of your ex?


I can't even look him in the eye.


Yeong-rae: Is it because of the loss? What's going on? Talk to me Min-jun!


As he looks at me concerned and desperate for answers I begin to sob. Tears burst from my eyes and my breathing hitches uncontrollably. I can feel the anxiety building up. The heat on the back of my neck. The room beginning to spin. My body beginning to shake.

But he holds me. No words. No questions. Just holds me. And as it did in the cafe where we met almost two months ago the spinning slows down, the heat cools off, and my body stops shaking.

He demands no more explanation. No more answers. He just wraps his arms tightly around me and refuses to let go. He does loosen his grip enough that he can look me in the eyes. There's sadness on his face, but also genuine care. He lightly presses our foreheads together and smiles softly.


Yeong-rae: I don't know why you're hurting right now. And you don't have to tell me until you're ready. I'm sorry if I upset you with my questions. I was worried and scared. I care about you Jin Min-jun. Please if you feel this way again reach out to me. When you forget how to be kind to yourself I will always make sure to show you.

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It's been a while Revo. I know I went quiet. I'm sorry. I'll be honest that loss to Maggie it shook me. To my core. I wasn't feeling like the Brooklyngun. I wasn't feeling like #TuesdayNightJin. I felt useless. I felt weak. I felt like a complete disappointment. Everything was going so well. Death Row was riding high. Two world champs. Rising Star champ. And then Christmas Chaos it all came crashing down.

Jessie lost by pinfall in a Scaffold match which... I don't know much about wrestling, but I'm pretty sure that's not how Scaffold matches end. Pettis got the flukiest of fluke victories and somehow ended the unstoppable reign of Khaos. Cerise and Khaos have disappeared off the face of the planet. I know this is where I'd normally talk about missing Khaos in my bed or something, but... no jokes... I miss my friends.

And then there's me. I lost the biggest match of my career. I lost my FIRST title defense. I made it to the top of the world and then got sent crashing back to the ground. I tried everything. I served up a whole round of Shots of Jin.  I landed the senton. It wasn't enough. I tried to pull a new move out of my hat that Khaos taught me. Maggie slipped away. I damn near broke Maggie's ankle... and she STILL wouldn't stay down. I wasn't enough. I let everyone down.

So I went home and I sulked. I wallowed in my own self pity. Woe is me. Minnie you fucked it all up. Everyone needed you to pull through and you couldn't. Your entire neighborhood needed you to not be the same old loser you've tried to convince yourself you weren't anymore. But you fell back into old patterns. You got too cocky. You flew too close to the sun. You thought you were untouchable and you got dropped for it.

For the last almost two months I sat at home and I beat myself up mentally and physically every single god damned day. I sat there with a bruised ego and a bruised body and I let my self loathing stop me from doing the very thing that gives my life purpose. I stopped looking out for the kids. I stopped hustling to get everyone the money they need. I let one failure turn into two months of failure. But Maggie... Sara... I'm not planning on continuing the trend.

I know that seems impossible. I mean Maggie seems to have my number. I gave her my all and she took it and then some. And she took me out. Pettis ended one of the most impressive dominant streaks in the company, if not ever. These are legit threats. Two of the most badass people to walk in here. People that at one point or another seemed like total underdogs in the company.

But here's the thing. So am I. I've told the story. Never supposed to amount to anything. Never supposed to succeed. But I did. I do. And I WILL. I realized very recently that I can't keep this wallowing in my guilt shit up. Because the longer I do the longer I do the very thing I thought losing was: I let the people who need me down. I don't do that shit. I refuse to be that person. So Mags and Pettis... be fucking ready.

I'm not coming into this as the cocky ass Brooklyngun. I'm not showing up with tag lines and puns. Look where that got me last time. Nahhh fam I'm showing up as the tough as nails mother fucker who has held entire neighborhoods on his back like it ain't even a thing. I'mma be in that ring as the same man who won Glory, who won the title in the first place. I ain't no punk bitch.

I told Nanovirus maaaaaany months ago that when I'm injured.. when my ego is bruised... my my pride is shattered... it makes me so much more dangerous than ANYONE. I said that a wounded animal has nothing to lose and they will risk it all to save what little they got. I was wrong though. I am a damn wounded animal, but I don't have nothing to lose. I have EVERYTHING to lose. I forgot that. Maybe you were right Mags. Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I stopped fighting for the right reasons. Maybe I got so caught up in number one's, and wrestler's of the year, and lists, and accolades, and tournaments, and titles.

Maybe I'm a hypocrit Mags. But here's the thing.... so are you fam. You're sitting there casting stones in your little glass house of delusion. You act like me taking steps to make sure I succeed is some... betrayal to my own morals. You know damn well what it's like to be fighting every day to survive. We got dealt a damn similar hand Mags. So you out of anyone here should know why FRIENDS... not "friends".. real friends like Death Row are SO important to survival and thrival. When you out there knowing there's fists and bullets coming for you at any moment you know how valuable it is to have people watching your back you can actually fuckin' trust Mags? Your buddy that passed away may he rest in peace.. he was that for you here. Peace of mind. Someone who made you feel welcome, safe, like you mattered. Now I know it was not cute for me to try and get to you with shots at him. I apologize. That being said HE is exactly what Death Row is to me. Safety. Comfort. Friendship. The streets and this business have a fair bit in common: they're dog eat dog, kill or be killed. And it feels a lot better to have a pack of dogs then goin' it solo.

You sit there and bitch about my friendships meanwhile your friendship is the only thing left that I respect about you. Like I said... pot... kettle... you know the saying. You're saying my shots at your friend were too low. My shots at you were not forgivable. And yet.. you mocked my family. You mocked my neighborhood. You dared to suggest that they "WON'T" fend for themselves. You set up some bullshit fundraiser for my family? But I'VE taken it too far right? I'm not the one sitting there thinkin' it's cool to minimize the hardships of Asian immigrants in America. Like we just don't feel like fending for ourselves? Nahhhhhhhhh that shit don't fly Mags. We try to fend for ourselves. We all put in the damn grind. But friends... family... we got each other's back. We make survival feel achievable. They do what I can. I give my all to make sure that what they do is more than enough.

That's why folks still look to me as some sort of folk hero here in Revo Mags. That's why people are starting to see the cracks in your mask. You're this big hero who's going to put Revo on the map, save the company from Death Row's greedy hands... and yet... what have you done for us? Jessie called it fuckin' right. Since you rose up this company has fallen. Let me ask you Mags... you wanted to uplift Revo.. and yet miss "Final Boss Champ"... well ... former... didn't think to use her connections in Level Up to create a solid working relationship? Create some good forbidden door crossover? No. Because it isn't about saving Revo.. it's about saving your damned ego after you dropped the title over there.

Don't think that I forgot about you though Pettis. Even though realistically we know you're the third wheel here. What people want to see is Jin vs Mags. Hell apparently you don't even want to BE in the match. The feeling is mutual. You don't belong here and you seem to be pretty aware of that.

What happened to Sara versus the World? What happened to 2022 being the year of the Child of Fate? Didn't last long did it? You lasted what like... a week as champ? Two maybe? But you know what it's fine because you're "tired". You had to work two hard years after all right? Two whole years.... wow... you poor little white girl. Some of us have been over here risking life and limb for a decade and a half to accomplish ANYTHING. But nahh you had to work hard at something for two whole years. You're truly a survivor Pettis.

But you won't survive me. You want a reason to leave? I'll give you one when i spin my heel directly into your temple. I'll make sure you don't have to exhaust yourself working for another year. And it should be easy too. I mean if Jason Ryan of all people can stop you... god it should be a breeze for me. And no matter if your dead... undead... unalived? Husband shows up to give you some boost.. it won't matter. We all got our ghosts. And mine motivate me just as yours do. Just as Maggie's does.

But your ghost didn't help you against JRy. Maggie's ghost didn't save her from ANOTHER loss to Jessie Lee that she can't blame on me this time. But my ghost is a reminder of everything I can be. I can be enough for myself and those around me. I can be a hero to the people that need a little boost in life. I can be a phoenix from those ashes of my past failures. And after all is said and done at Allegience?

I CAN BE CHAMPION.