Post by jasonryan on Jan 17, 2022 1:24:15 GMT -5
The door opens and, what the hell? It's Jason Ryan! We haven't heard anything from him nor seen him since he was suspended.. Instead of wearing a scowl and fancy suit he is smiling and waving, almost looking... happy. He looks like a whole new man. On Thanksgiving, he announced he would be getting help for his ailing mental health. Could this be the result of that?
Jason walks in and takes a seat at a rocking chair, Surrounding him are a bunch of puppets that look like Revolution 1 Staff. Jason begins to slowly rock in the chair and looks at the camera.
Hello everybody and welcome to the first installment of my new show, That's so Jason! Now you may be wondering, with all the bad blood between myself and management here, how did I manage to actually get screentime? Well, it's quite simple. See after I was falsely accused of attacking Diamonds with zero evidence, I talked to my lawyers. And they did a fantastic job in clearing me and were able to get me a slot on the show where I can have my own show. And of course, I had originally planned to sue but through the power of communication and friendship, we were able to settle without having to take the matter to court. Which is good, I would hate for this place to close its doors. I've made so many friends here, and look! A few have come to join us!
Jason holds up a puppet that looks like Jessie Lee but sporting a set of walrus tusks and a beard.
And here we have one of my friends, Missy Bee! And Missy Bee is here with her best friend, Bin Tin-Pun!
Jason holds up another puppet, this one looking just like Jin Min-Jun except his nose is a very dark shade of brown and a yellow stripe has been spray-painted down the back.
Now these two are very good friends and have shown that the power of friendship is indeed real. In fact, it's because of these two that I was able to see my folly and now I'm a whole new man! And of course we can't forget the third friend, Julie Bore!
Jason holds up a puppet that looks just like Kylie Moore except the puppet wears a dunce cap and a shirt that reads " Worst Boss Ever." With a big smile Jason sets the puppets down on the couch and then sits back in the rocking chair.
So guys, how do you feel about being on the first installment of That's So Jason?
Bin speaks in a voice that sounds like it's from the mouth of an eight-year-old child
Bin: Say, Jason, didn't you do this in APW?
Jason: Why yes I did Bin, this is what I did to get healthy from all those mean High Ones that like to use my body as their vessel.
Bin: I don't think you should be doing this. Didn't you get my list of why that I sent you?
Jason: Why yes I did Bin but the thing is it was so self-righteous that I didn't finish it. I didn't bring this show back for me, I brought it back for my friends too so that we could all get better. Just like I need to do a better job at keeping the High Ones in check, you need to get over your undeserved superiority complex. That way people won't think you're insufferable and actually want you around. I mean recently a lot of people said negative things about you and we both know how much that hurt your feelings due to your need for everyone to like you.
Julie speaks up, her voice sounding like a man who has smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for fifty years
Julie: I should be the star of this show! Jason! Jason! Jason! I demand all the attention! I'm going to have you kicked off the show so I don't get shown up!
Jason: Now Julie, we talked about this. Not everything can be about you. And you can't be mean to me when I've done nothing wrong. Don't worry, we are your friends here. So we will help you to not be so terrible for no reason. Because you haven't been good lately and as your friend, I don't like seeing you fail to be good time after time. Now we've heard from you two, Julie and Bin. But if I let you, you will take all the time we have for the show and that's not fair. So we'll let Missy say something.
The Missy puppet speaks in the worst attempt at an Australian accent you have ever heard
Don't mind me, Jason, I'll just let the fact I'm from a certain area be the only endearing thing about me. Other than that, I'll just be like everybody else.
Jason: Now Missy, that can't always work. If you want to make new friends, you need to have a reason for people to care despite your accent.
The Bin puppet is then moved to the Missy puppet and nuzzles the Missy puppet's backside.
Jason: Bin that's enough. Your nose cannot get any browner. You have to stop getting attention like that.
Just then a mailman steps in
Excuse me. I have a letter for Mister Ryan.
Jason takes the letter and opens it.
Jason: Look, everyone! I just got invited to a playdate with three other people! * Sound effect of kids cheering* I should respond right away! Hold on, let me get Fred!
Jason hurries off and opens a door that descends downward. Whistling cheerfully, Jason goes down the stairs. The camera shows a run-down basement with various stains of differing colors and a rusty cell. On the gray brick walls are messages scrawled all over such as. " noNoNoNoNo!" " HelpmeHelpmeHelpmeHelpme!" " Leave me alone!" As well as images of monsters with large fans and gleaming eyes. Jason heads over to the cage and opens the door. An old man who looks like he hasn't eaten or bathed in days is looking at Jason in terror.
Jason: Hey Fred! I need you to do something for me and read this to the camera! It's dedicated to the people I get to play within a couple of days!
Jason hands the man a crumbled-up notecard. The man takes it and looks it over. A look of pure disgust crosses his face.
Fred: What the fuck?! This is sick! I am not reading this!
A frown replaces the big smile on Jason's face.
You know I don't like foul language, Fred. Now please read the notecard.
No! Fuck you! This is horrible! You're sick! Fuck you! Let me out! I haven't seen my wife and kids in days because of you, you sick bastard!
So you're not going to read the notecard?
The camera pans away quickly but the voices of both men can still be heard
Is that a box cutter? Oh God no!
Read the notecard Fred
Ahhhhhh! Please God! Please no! Not down there! Not down there!
Read the notecard Fred
Oh my God my arm! You carved the flesh from my fucking arm! You sick fucking animal! Get that thing away from me!
Read the notecard Fred
Okay stop! I'll read the notecard! I'll read the notecard!
The camera pans back to show the old man trembling, his left arm cut up, crying as he holds the notecard. With a shaky voice he begins to read
To whom I am facing this Tuesday in a tag match. This is your last rites. Prepare for your blood to be spilled, your organs to be devoured. Your families to be haunted. For none of you shall know peace, for the mark has been placed upon you. The bell shall toll for you. Your flesh will decay, maggots shall feast upon your remains. Your bones shall become windchimes, your legacy will be forgotten. He Whom Devours All shall feast upon your very soul. And once you have been erased, your families will know how it feels to burn. Now pardon me while I amuse myself by torturing this old fool until our match- OH GOD NO!
The screen fades to static for a few seconds and when it returns, it shows a figure in a dark room.
A song begins to play on repeat.
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge,
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge,
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
Thus saith the Scourge, thus saith the Scourge
I send a pestilence and plague
Into your house, into your bed
Into your streets, into your streams
Into your drink, into your bread
Upon your cattle, on your sheep
Upon your oxen in your field
Into your dreams, into your sleep
Until you break, until you yield
I send the swarm, I send the horde
Thus saith the Scourge
The screen flickers again and after a few moments of static, Jason is back on his original set, smiling and waving.
See you soon new friends! Goodbye!
