Post by Jin Min-jun on Dec 22, 2021 19:08:50 GMT -5
Here I am again.
I stand outside my old highschool's gymnasium as I did two months ago. As I've done every week since. And like every other week I just stand. I try to will myself to enter, but it's like something always stops me from going back in again; from trying to do this sharing circle shit again. Ever since I walked out two months ago I've felt like a complete fool; a loser.
They probably all think it too. They probably all been laughin' at me since I ran. Probably ran to their computers to type onto Reddit forums that I'm a pussy. Can't even talk to people.
I get so lost in my self hate that I pay no attention to the group members shuffling by me. I barely register the snowflakes landing on my face. It's like the anxiety has made me deaf to the world, numb to the cold, empty. If it weren't for the thoughts spiraling and pounding in my own brain I'd probably be over-thinking every passing glance from the other group members; every whispered word as they probably ask each other why I just keep showing up outside the building and never taking a step into it.
God I'm such a loser. Just fuckin' take a step Jin. Seriously can't even walk into the building. Two months you've been doing this shit like some lost puppy hopin' someone would bring you inside. Penelope invited me back. Even if everyone else thinks I'm crazy .. she thinks I should be there. Just. Take. A. Step.
? ? ?: You know usually these meetings help more if you walk inside.
The sudden voice startles me and on instinct my flight or fight response decides fight. I swing around palms ready to strike as my muscle memory forces me into a fighting stance. After I settle into the stance I start to register who stands before me. It's the strange tattooed man from the meeting two months ago. The man who just stared a hole through me. Despite the fact I'm clearly ready to strike his head off he stands there so unbothered.. almost relaxed.
? ? ?: Calm down there Karate Kid. No need to throw hands here.
I cautiously lower my hands and return to a more normal posture, but my anxiety still has me on high alert.
? ? ?: You've been out here for weeks now. You know you can just go in.
Min-jun: Months. Not weeks.
There's a clear discomfort in my voice as I correct him. He just shrugs his shoulders and smiles cooly.
? ? ?: Ehhh details. Still you should come in. At least to get out of the cold.
Min-jun: I'm fine. I just... don't think I want to talk.
? ? ?: You don't have to. But if you really don't think you can walk in there today then let's walk somewhere else.
I furrow my brow at him. It's like he can read my mind.
? ? ?: We can go to a cafe. You don't have to talk about whatever's troubling you. You don't have to talk at all. If you want to though I'll listen. I just get the feeling that maybe you need to be around someone right now.
He's right.... whoever the fuck he is. But do I really want to walk off somewhere with a stranger? I mean sure I could probably take him if I need to... and it's legit pretty cold out right now...
Min-jun: What about the meeting though. Weren't you going to talk?
He shakes his head.
? ? ?: Probably not. I've told my story so much. Wouldn't mind taking a break. So?
He motions towards a cozy little cafe down the street. After another moment of contemplation I nod. As we walk towards the cafe and white flakes settle on our jackets the strange man turns to me.
? ? ?: By the way my name is Yeong-rae, but most people just call me Rae.
Finally a name to the face... and I.D. to text Jessie incase I go missing....
Min-jun: Jin Min-jun... usually people just call me Jin... I don't think they realize it's my last name.
He chuckles which for a moment brings a small smile to my face. As we reach the cafe he grabs the door for me and I walk in out of the cold. He gestures for me to grab us a table as he goes to the counter. Minutes later he joins me and sets down two mugs. I get lost for a moment watching the steam rise from both only to snap back to attention mid sentence.
Yeong-rae: - chamomille tea I hope that's okay. It's a calming tea and I figured calm would be good for you.
Min-jun: Yes.. thank you. You didn't have to pay.
Yeong-rae: It isn't about have to... it's about wanting to.
Min-jun: Oh... yeah.. thanks.
Why is he being so nice? I barely know this dude. Maybe I'm right. Maybe he's some fan wanting an interview or an autograph... or maybe.... maybe he's going to mug me in the alleyway..
Yeong-rae: You're not used to people doing things for you, am i right? I can see it on your face.
Rae's observation is right on the money. I sheepishly smile before taking a sip.
Min-jun: I really am grateful. I just... I'm usually the one taking care of everyone else. It's just... weird.
Rae reaches his tattoed hand out and gently places it on my wrist. I flinch at first at the contact as my anxiety flares up momentarily, but something about his demeanor relaxes me and my guard eases.
Yeong-rae: Even people who have the weight of the world on their shoulders need help holding it sometimes and that's okay.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's the most wonderful time of year isn't it? We got that snow fallin' in New York, lights everywhere, presents to give, all those warm and cozy feelings. This year's Christmas though it's about to be the best one yet no cap. Revo1 is giving you all the gift of Jin Min-jun for Christmas. You're fuckin' welcome fam.
As the year nears its end I can't help but look back at what a damn fine year I've had here in Revo1. I mean sure I had a rocky fuckin' start day one, but damn did I come up right after. The king of making his own destiny here. We've seen the footage, we've heard the Jin-derella Story. Kid from no where coming up to be the king of the mountain; that rags to riches sorta shit. All that same sorta Hallmark movie shit you get around this time of year. I found success. I made friends. I found romance... even if Cerise still doesn't want to fully believe Khaos wants me under his tree for Christmas. I went from an UnStable alliance that fell apart into nothing... to being the judge, jury, and executioner of Death Row. It's been one hell of a god-damned year and what better way to cap it off than Christmas Chaos?
Last supershow of the year and I'll be ringing in them holidays by successfully defending THE Legendary Championship. And then I'm going on to continue my Netflix and Chill sesh with Khaos that I started during our ironman match.
Now I know I've got the fight of my life ahead of me. I'm no fool. I know damn well that Mags is gonna try to rip me limb from limb. She's been stewing just wanting to boil over and get her hands on me since what... August? Four months of frustration and anger just building and building. You're about to get what you want Mags. I bet you're pretty excited, but as cliched as it sounds be careful what you wish for. I've been dropping folks left, right, and centre in this ring with ease. You may be a challenge, but at the end of the day you're just one more to add to the pile of unconcious bodies I've left.
That's the difference between us though isn't it Mags? I've always recognized you could take me to my limit, but you didn't even think about me until I got right up in your business. Glory Tournament... it's like I wasn't even a thought in your head. Hell you barely even took Sierra seriously... which like... sure I get that. Look where that got you though. Out in your first match. Meanwhile I went through three and beat the woman that booted your ass out of that tournament. And I know you tried to take your little shots after to save some of your dignity: "Listening to Jin talk about his win won't get old surely" or some shit like that. Like as if this unproven fighter who beat legit wrestlers didn't have a reason to be proud of doing the damn thing no one thought he could. But you didn't have to worry about me just going on about winning a number one contendership for that long right? I mean now I talk about how I won that title too.
But hey I mean you won a title too! You beat my best friend for it which I know from personal experience Jessie Lee is one of the toughest mother fuckers up in here. That all came crashing down for you though didn't it? Not quite crashing down like your buddy Tommy, but I mean.. you get the idea. For a hot minute you were something here Mags. You beat the baddest bitch in Revo and you had the title to prove it. But the rematch ... it sent you back to reality. You did everything you could to Jessie, hell you even summoned some Poultergeist shit to put her down, but you couldn't. And I know you're going to cry that I COST you that match because your witch powers couldn't beat the power of friendship. At the end of the day though the result still shows that you couldn't measure up.
That's why I know that even though you outlasted everyone in the Remembrance match that you're just not ready for Jin Min-jun. Beating me isn't as easy as tossing me over the ropes. You'll have to do worse than what three of the toughest women did to me in one night. You'll have to beat me more than XYZ and his entourage did. You won't be able to just put me out... you'll have to put me down.
You might think I'm some assclown with a rotating door of catchphrases and puns. You probably think I need help from my crew to get one over on you. I'll bring all my "Jessie Lee's" to come help me through and then I'll brag about it afterwards. I'll take Legacy handed to me on a silver platter. You'll tell the world that "Jin only wins because Jessie helps him". Like we haven't heard that more times than ANY of my catchphrases.
But what happens Mags when I kick your ass and leave you layin' without Jessie's help? What excuse you gonna' use when "Jin needed help" just doesn't and can't apply? You gonna say you had the stomach flu? Claim my shoe was loaded? Nahhh. You'll have to be real with yourself eventually. You'll have to admit that I didn't win because I needed back up. That I didn't need to cheat. That I didn't need "enough outside interference to count as a lumberjack match". Nahh fam you'll realize after Christmas Chaos I won because I'm the deadliest striker in Revo. I won because my resilience is unmatched and NOTHING will keep me down or make me quit. That all the nicknames and puns, yeah they're fun, but they don't take away from the fact I'm a killer in that ring.
I haven't gotten all this success because my friends have done it for me. It hasn't been gift wrapped for me. I have scratched and clawed my way to the top. I have fought harder than ANYONE around me. I went from absolutely nothing, no money, no training, no friends, to being the Legendary Champion alongside the best in this biz. I've adapted to EVERY challenge put in my way. Lost my first match? Got up and checked my own ego. Busted leg in the tourny? Fought through the pain. Taken out for a month? Healed and came back with a fire like no other. XYZ had goons helping him win? I got friends to watch my back. I've adapted and overcome. Bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, I've beaten them all. You're a damn good wrestler, better than me for sure, but I'll adapt and overcome. I may not be the best wrestler, but I'm the best fighter and something tells me this match is about to be a fight.
And that's why the world is watching Jin Min-jun. That's why Denzel Porter and the Diamonds think I'm the top star in Revo1. That's why I have the best in this company standing beside me and helping me up my game. I'm not the best. But I'm damn sure close Mags and no matter how much you've "Leveled Up" and no matter how many demons and magic tricks you bring you'll still black out.... I know you've been waiting for me to say this.... from a Shot of Jin.
You might think that's cocky as fuck. I know you once told me that my attitude had changed with success. Like I looked down upon people who I have beaten. Maybe you're right. Maybe now that I'm not just some punk underdog who can't apply a headlock properly I decided to stop looking up at people like you. Maybe now that I have gold I realize that I'm more than I thought I could be. Maybe now that I have a crew of ride or dies in Death Row I realize that even if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders that sometimes I can have people help me carry it all. But one thing has never changed Mags. My reason WHY. I never stopped caring about my family. I never gave up on making sure they were safe and supported with their heads above water. I have not once let this title let me forget the responsibilities I have to my loved ones. And that's why quite frankly no matter what attitude you think I have... I don't give a fuck. I'm not here for your satisfaction... just like you aren't here for.. well anyone's satisfaction.
You said it right before Jessie took her title back from you Mags. It's a kill or be killed industry. I need you to know if it means I stay on top... if it means that I keep making this coin... if it means I keep being able to support my family... my community...
I.
Will.
Kill.
You.
--------------------------
Yeong-rae: Wow... that's a lot to deal with. I can see why you'd struggle to share that with a group of strangers.
As I finish my story I can see sadness in Rae's eyes. It's empathetic, but also as if he feels guilty that I'm so broken.
Min-jun: Yeah it's ... rough. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it's just... well a lot like you said. Anyways... I should probably get going. Sorry to bring down the mood.
Yeong-rae: There's nothing to apologize for. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I get up to leave and reach to shake Rae's hand, but instead he pulls me into a hug. There's an unsettling feeling in my stomach and the back of my neck heats up, but as he stands there and just holds me it all seems to melt away like the snowflakes on my jacket. We stand there in each other's arms for what feels like both an eternity and yet also mere minutes. The cafe around us seems to disappear into nothing and all I feel is calm and warmth. Maybe he's right. The world's pretty heavy, but maybe a few extra shoulders to carry it with me might just make it bearable.
Okay hugging too long... people are probably staring..
I pull away and look to see if Rae seems offended or disappointed, but all that his eyes show are content. Like before he gets the door for me and we brave the cold once again. When we decide to go our separate ways he hugs me once more before walking away.
Yeong-rae: Min-jun thank you for talking with me today. If you need to talk again or just want someone to escape the world with for a bit call me.
Min-jun: Wait how am I supposed to call yo-
Before I can get an answer he's already left around the corner of a building.
Well that was nice while it lasted.
I turn to head home and slide my shivering hands into my jacket pocket. My one hand brushes against a piece of folded paper. I bring it out and unfold the small paper upon which Rae's number is neatly scrawled.
I stand outside my old highschool's gymnasium as I did two months ago. As I've done every week since. And like every other week I just stand. I try to will myself to enter, but it's like something always stops me from going back in again; from trying to do this sharing circle shit again. Ever since I walked out two months ago I've felt like a complete fool; a loser.
They probably all think it too. They probably all been laughin' at me since I ran. Probably ran to their computers to type onto Reddit forums that I'm a pussy. Can't even talk to people.
I get so lost in my self hate that I pay no attention to the group members shuffling by me. I barely register the snowflakes landing on my face. It's like the anxiety has made me deaf to the world, numb to the cold, empty. If it weren't for the thoughts spiraling and pounding in my own brain I'd probably be over-thinking every passing glance from the other group members; every whispered word as they probably ask each other why I just keep showing up outside the building and never taking a step into it.
God I'm such a loser. Just fuckin' take a step Jin. Seriously can't even walk into the building. Two months you've been doing this shit like some lost puppy hopin' someone would bring you inside. Penelope invited me back. Even if everyone else thinks I'm crazy .. she thinks I should be there. Just. Take. A. Step.
? ? ?: You know usually these meetings help more if you walk inside.
The sudden voice startles me and on instinct my flight or fight response decides fight. I swing around palms ready to strike as my muscle memory forces me into a fighting stance. After I settle into the stance I start to register who stands before me. It's the strange tattooed man from the meeting two months ago. The man who just stared a hole through me. Despite the fact I'm clearly ready to strike his head off he stands there so unbothered.. almost relaxed.
? ? ?: Calm down there Karate Kid. No need to throw hands here.
I cautiously lower my hands and return to a more normal posture, but my anxiety still has me on high alert.
? ? ?: You've been out here for weeks now. You know you can just go in.
Min-jun: Months. Not weeks.
There's a clear discomfort in my voice as I correct him. He just shrugs his shoulders and smiles cooly.
? ? ?: Ehhh details. Still you should come in. At least to get out of the cold.
Min-jun: I'm fine. I just... don't think I want to talk.
? ? ?: You don't have to. But if you really don't think you can walk in there today then let's walk somewhere else.
I furrow my brow at him. It's like he can read my mind.
? ? ?: We can go to a cafe. You don't have to talk about whatever's troubling you. You don't have to talk at all. If you want to though I'll listen. I just get the feeling that maybe you need to be around someone right now.
He's right.... whoever the fuck he is. But do I really want to walk off somewhere with a stranger? I mean sure I could probably take him if I need to... and it's legit pretty cold out right now...
Min-jun: What about the meeting though. Weren't you going to talk?
He shakes his head.
? ? ?: Probably not. I've told my story so much. Wouldn't mind taking a break. So?
He motions towards a cozy little cafe down the street. After another moment of contemplation I nod. As we walk towards the cafe and white flakes settle on our jackets the strange man turns to me.
? ? ?: By the way my name is Yeong-rae, but most people just call me Rae.
Finally a name to the face... and I.D. to text Jessie incase I go missing....
Min-jun: Jin Min-jun... usually people just call me Jin... I don't think they realize it's my last name.
He chuckles which for a moment brings a small smile to my face. As we reach the cafe he grabs the door for me and I walk in out of the cold. He gestures for me to grab us a table as he goes to the counter. Minutes later he joins me and sets down two mugs. I get lost for a moment watching the steam rise from both only to snap back to attention mid sentence.
Yeong-rae: - chamomille tea I hope that's okay. It's a calming tea and I figured calm would be good for you.
Min-jun: Yes.. thank you. You didn't have to pay.
Yeong-rae: It isn't about have to... it's about wanting to.
Min-jun: Oh... yeah.. thanks.
Why is he being so nice? I barely know this dude. Maybe I'm right. Maybe he's some fan wanting an interview or an autograph... or maybe.... maybe he's going to mug me in the alleyway..
Yeong-rae: You're not used to people doing things for you, am i right? I can see it on your face.
Rae's observation is right on the money. I sheepishly smile before taking a sip.
Min-jun: I really am grateful. I just... I'm usually the one taking care of everyone else. It's just... weird.
Rae reaches his tattoed hand out and gently places it on my wrist. I flinch at first at the contact as my anxiety flares up momentarily, but something about his demeanor relaxes me and my guard eases.
Yeong-rae: Even people who have the weight of the world on their shoulders need help holding it sometimes and that's okay.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's the most wonderful time of year isn't it? We got that snow fallin' in New York, lights everywhere, presents to give, all those warm and cozy feelings. This year's Christmas though it's about to be the best one yet no cap. Revo1 is giving you all the gift of Jin Min-jun for Christmas. You're fuckin' welcome fam.
As the year nears its end I can't help but look back at what a damn fine year I've had here in Revo1. I mean sure I had a rocky fuckin' start day one, but damn did I come up right after. The king of making his own destiny here. We've seen the footage, we've heard the Jin-derella Story. Kid from no where coming up to be the king of the mountain; that rags to riches sorta shit. All that same sorta Hallmark movie shit you get around this time of year. I found success. I made friends. I found romance... even if Cerise still doesn't want to fully believe Khaos wants me under his tree for Christmas. I went from an UnStable alliance that fell apart into nothing... to being the judge, jury, and executioner of Death Row. It's been one hell of a god-damned year and what better way to cap it off than Christmas Chaos?
Last supershow of the year and I'll be ringing in them holidays by successfully defending THE Legendary Championship. And then I'm going on to continue my Netflix and Chill sesh with Khaos that I started during our ironman match.
Now I know I've got the fight of my life ahead of me. I'm no fool. I know damn well that Mags is gonna try to rip me limb from limb. She's been stewing just wanting to boil over and get her hands on me since what... August? Four months of frustration and anger just building and building. You're about to get what you want Mags. I bet you're pretty excited, but as cliched as it sounds be careful what you wish for. I've been dropping folks left, right, and centre in this ring with ease. You may be a challenge, but at the end of the day you're just one more to add to the pile of unconcious bodies I've left.
That's the difference between us though isn't it Mags? I've always recognized you could take me to my limit, but you didn't even think about me until I got right up in your business. Glory Tournament... it's like I wasn't even a thought in your head. Hell you barely even took Sierra seriously... which like... sure I get that. Look where that got you though. Out in your first match. Meanwhile I went through three and beat the woman that booted your ass out of that tournament. And I know you tried to take your little shots after to save some of your dignity: "Listening to Jin talk about his win won't get old surely" or some shit like that. Like as if this unproven fighter who beat legit wrestlers didn't have a reason to be proud of doing the damn thing no one thought he could. But you didn't have to worry about me just going on about winning a number one contendership for that long right? I mean now I talk about how I won that title too.
But hey I mean you won a title too! You beat my best friend for it which I know from personal experience Jessie Lee is one of the toughest mother fuckers up in here. That all came crashing down for you though didn't it? Not quite crashing down like your buddy Tommy, but I mean.. you get the idea. For a hot minute you were something here Mags. You beat the baddest bitch in Revo and you had the title to prove it. But the rematch ... it sent you back to reality. You did everything you could to Jessie, hell you even summoned some Poultergeist shit to put her down, but you couldn't. And I know you're going to cry that I COST you that match because your witch powers couldn't beat the power of friendship. At the end of the day though the result still shows that you couldn't measure up.
That's why I know that even though you outlasted everyone in the Remembrance match that you're just not ready for Jin Min-jun. Beating me isn't as easy as tossing me over the ropes. You'll have to do worse than what three of the toughest women did to me in one night. You'll have to beat me more than XYZ and his entourage did. You won't be able to just put me out... you'll have to put me down.
You might think I'm some assclown with a rotating door of catchphrases and puns. You probably think I need help from my crew to get one over on you. I'll bring all my "Jessie Lee's" to come help me through and then I'll brag about it afterwards. I'll take Legacy handed to me on a silver platter. You'll tell the world that "Jin only wins because Jessie helps him". Like we haven't heard that more times than ANY of my catchphrases.
But what happens Mags when I kick your ass and leave you layin' without Jessie's help? What excuse you gonna' use when "Jin needed help" just doesn't and can't apply? You gonna say you had the stomach flu? Claim my shoe was loaded? Nahhh. You'll have to be real with yourself eventually. You'll have to admit that I didn't win because I needed back up. That I didn't need to cheat. That I didn't need "enough outside interference to count as a lumberjack match". Nahh fam you'll realize after Christmas Chaos I won because I'm the deadliest striker in Revo. I won because my resilience is unmatched and NOTHING will keep me down or make me quit. That all the nicknames and puns, yeah they're fun, but they don't take away from the fact I'm a killer in that ring.
I haven't gotten all this success because my friends have done it for me. It hasn't been gift wrapped for me. I have scratched and clawed my way to the top. I have fought harder than ANYONE around me. I went from absolutely nothing, no money, no training, no friends, to being the Legendary Champion alongside the best in this biz. I've adapted to EVERY challenge put in my way. Lost my first match? Got up and checked my own ego. Busted leg in the tourny? Fought through the pain. Taken out for a month? Healed and came back with a fire like no other. XYZ had goons helping him win? I got friends to watch my back. I've adapted and overcome. Bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, I've beaten them all. You're a damn good wrestler, better than me for sure, but I'll adapt and overcome. I may not be the best wrestler, but I'm the best fighter and something tells me this match is about to be a fight.
And that's why the world is watching Jin Min-jun. That's why Denzel Porter and the Diamonds think I'm the top star in Revo1. That's why I have the best in this company standing beside me and helping me up my game. I'm not the best. But I'm damn sure close Mags and no matter how much you've "Leveled Up" and no matter how many demons and magic tricks you bring you'll still black out.... I know you've been waiting for me to say this.... from a Shot of Jin.
You might think that's cocky as fuck. I know you once told me that my attitude had changed with success. Like I looked down upon people who I have beaten. Maybe you're right. Maybe now that I'm not just some punk underdog who can't apply a headlock properly I decided to stop looking up at people like you. Maybe now that I have gold I realize that I'm more than I thought I could be. Maybe now that I have a crew of ride or dies in Death Row I realize that even if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders that sometimes I can have people help me carry it all. But one thing has never changed Mags. My reason WHY. I never stopped caring about my family. I never gave up on making sure they were safe and supported with their heads above water. I have not once let this title let me forget the responsibilities I have to my loved ones. And that's why quite frankly no matter what attitude you think I have... I don't give a fuck. I'm not here for your satisfaction... just like you aren't here for.. well anyone's satisfaction.
You said it right before Jessie took her title back from you Mags. It's a kill or be killed industry. I need you to know if it means I stay on top... if it means that I keep making this coin... if it means I keep being able to support my family... my community...
I.
Will.
Kill.
You.
--------------------------
Yeong-rae: Wow... that's a lot to deal with. I can see why you'd struggle to share that with a group of strangers.
As I finish my story I can see sadness in Rae's eyes. It's empathetic, but also as if he feels guilty that I'm so broken.
Min-jun: Yeah it's ... rough. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it's just... well a lot like you said. Anyways... I should probably get going. Sorry to bring down the mood.
Yeong-rae: There's nothing to apologize for. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I get up to leave and reach to shake Rae's hand, but instead he pulls me into a hug. There's an unsettling feeling in my stomach and the back of my neck heats up, but as he stands there and just holds me it all seems to melt away like the snowflakes on my jacket. We stand there in each other's arms for what feels like both an eternity and yet also mere minutes. The cafe around us seems to disappear into nothing and all I feel is calm and warmth. Maybe he's right. The world's pretty heavy, but maybe a few extra shoulders to carry it with me might just make it bearable.
Okay hugging too long... people are probably staring..
I pull away and look to see if Rae seems offended or disappointed, but all that his eyes show are content. Like before he gets the door for me and we brave the cold once again. When we decide to go our separate ways he hugs me once more before walking away.
Yeong-rae: Min-jun thank you for talking with me today. If you need to talk again or just want someone to escape the world with for a bit call me.
Min-jun: Wait how am I supposed to call yo-
Before I can get an answer he's already left around the corner of a building.
Well that was nice while it lasted.
I turn to head home and slide my shivering hands into my jacket pocket. My one hand brushes against a piece of folded paper. I bring it out and unfold the small paper upon which Rae's number is neatly scrawled.
