Post by Maggie Lockheart on Nov 29, 2021 23:59:27 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I ever learned how to grieve.
I'm not sure if grieving and 'moving on' are the same thing.
If anything has haunted me since my return to the job that I love, it has been my own reflection. Ever since I first woke up in a hospital room with no memory of who I was, not knowing who I am, that bitch has always been there, staring back at me with those piercing emerald eyes...
You know the one.
She's the girl with more ink in her skin than in the pages that would make up the story of my life. I vaguely recall how she let things get so bad. Most of the time though she still feels like she's somebody else.
I've had to make peace with her, slowly; painfully. I had to get to know who she was and why she'd stare at me in the mirror... why her ghostly presence echoed off of any glass windowpane I'd walk by. Why her rippled soul danced along the ripples on every pond I ever peered into.
A significant part of her story was that she grew up in Charlotte, North Carolina. You may or may not assume this by seeing her now, but apparently, she was picked on as a kid. But no, of the myriad of reasons she could have chosen not to stay in the place she once called home, it was grief, mostly... mainly... that kept her from coming back.
Even for the holidays.
Granted, there wasn't much for her to come back to. The family reunions are hauntingly peaceful. The conversations are all one-sided and ghostly quiet. There's nothing to see but a field of endless granite and marble stones and all of the names and dates etched into each one. She never felt any closer to the woman who adopted her by standing over her grave.
So she never came.
But now, my reflection has taken a new form.
One that has me thinking about grieving.
The last time I was in a Revolution1 ring I was against my new favorite person to battle but simultaneously my least favorite person to fight. Jessie Lee is inspiring for all of the right and wrong reasons, or so it seems. It's been a while since I've felt truly competitive in a horrorcore environment. Whoever books these kinds of matches hasn't been doing my body any favors.
Because when it comes to fighting for one's own survival, Jessie Lee is one of, if not the best there absolutely is. And to be honest, when my reflection first broke into this business, it wasn't about earning a paycheck or winning a championship. It was all about learning how to fight so that, just in case something were to happen in, let's say, a dark alley... I wouldn't be as helpless as I was the last time.
But there's a big difference between being knowing what's coming and jumped from behind. Taking on Jessie in an electrified steel cage has got to be one of the craziest things I've ever agreed to do... but at least I knew beforehand what I was getting myself into. At least I knew that Jessie and I were going to have another battle in our all our war and that, typically, both of us would end up hurting by the end. I even kind of figured that it would be Jin that would repel down from the rafters or cut up from underneath the canvas to come make the save. Wow, I couldn't have been more wrong.
The truth is that, despite what seems to be every reason in the world for me to not like Jessie personally, I damn sure can't help but to respect her. And to be even further honest, I actually do kind of like her, too. She's tough. She's a fighter. She's everything that a younger me wanted to be growing up. And just between you, me, and the mirror? I absolutely love her accent.
With that being said, though, there's a lot that she does that I don't agree with. I think we're all entitled to our opinion, but... I guess in this particular case if you're going to accuse me of being a little too emotionally invested in my opinion I'd have to say I'm guilty as charged. I think she can do better. No, I know she can do better, but I also know that 'better' is a lot to ask from someone who is already trying their best. In reality, I know that Jessie is doing what she can and also, more importantly, I know that she's only doing what she wants to do... and I don't want to begrudge her, or anyone, from doing just that.
Yet when it comes to horrorcore and the one golden rule of having no rules... when it comes to fighting for survival I AM absolutely competitive and I just love the challenge. I love walking out of a fight... (or in this case being stretchered out) knowing whether or not I would have survived in real life or if I would have been a dead carcass laying on the side of the road. I love being better than the next person, but I also love to hate it when I fail, too. I love having a new reason to push myself... a new angle to view on film... a new technique to study... a new discipline to learn that would make Magdalena Lockheart that much more dangerous the next time she finds herself in that exact same situation.
Which makes it odd, almost, that I was surprised by the ending of our little match in Charlotte. Surprised, but I shouldn't have been, I guess. It's a lot easier to see now that it's already happened, but I should have known that the ghosts of our past were going to come back to haunt us eventually. I had to have known that making the choice that I made was going to come back and end up biting me squarely on the ass anyway.
Because it wasn't Jin at all that surprised us, no.
It was XYZ.
It's a lot easier looking back on it to realize that I should have known XYZ wouldn't have stayed down. I should have known that when I decided to stay on the Legacy brand and go for the Legacy top championship that I wouldn't have been the only one. Jin and Jessie represent a challenge for me, one that I was quite eager to take on, but I should have known that they both would have inspired that same challenge in others... even if those others have already been beaten.
And XYZ, let me make one thing perfectly clear with you, I don't really know who you are well enough to judge you as a person, but I do know what I saw from you the night Jin rose to power. It was a war, yes, but it was also just a flat-out mess. I honestly don't know how someone could be so proud of something so disingenuous and dishonorable. But I guess I get it in a way, too. Fake it until you make it... if you're not good enough to be champion then there's nothing stopping you from trying to steal a title and calling yourself a champion anyway...
The history books read all the same.
The funny part is, the truth is on the tips of all of our tongues but none of us seem to have the balls to say it. The reason that Jin was able to win the big one is the same reason that you were in the match in the first place... and that's because Sierra Silver wasn't there to defend her belt. If she didn't have to leave out then Jin would still be in the same position that you are... someone who is so close but yet so far... someone who still has all of the potential in the world but seemingly can't find that one small piece that they need to get through that glass ceiling or over that proverbial last bump in the road.
So there's a part of me that does understand your grand reentrance. There's a part of me that understands why you'd make your way down and take out your frustrations on Jessie. Gotta try to get under Jin's skin, somehow. Gotta do what you need to do to make sure that you're still even the tiniest bit relevant.
We are not the same.
Hell, I didn't expect to win Remembrance, but I'm also proud of it and everything else that I've managed to accomplish this year. But when I lose, I lose. It's okay. I know what I am and I know what I'm capable of. And when I don't get my way, I don't point fingers at the world at large.
We are not the same.
I want to beat Jessie, too. I want to beat Jin and I want to become the new Revolution1 Legacy World Champion. But when my hand gets raised, I want it to be because I was the better fighter than Jin was that night. I want to figure out a way where I can truly say that... not just pretend that I won when the whole world saw my lackeys at ringside doing every thing they could to make sure that I did.
We are not the same.
You might think that we're on the same side, XYZ, simply because we both want the same goal. But trust me, it's not like you think it is at all. I want to make Legacy a better brand while I'm on it... but I also want to be able to look myself in the mirror afterward, too.
I'm not sure if grieving and 'moving on' are the same thing.
If anything has haunted me since my return to the job that I love, it has been my own reflection. Ever since I first woke up in a hospital room with no memory of who I was, not knowing who I am, that bitch has always been there, staring back at me with those piercing emerald eyes...
You know the one.
She's the girl with more ink in her skin than in the pages that would make up the story of my life. I vaguely recall how she let things get so bad. Most of the time though she still feels like she's somebody else.
I've had to make peace with her, slowly; painfully. I had to get to know who she was and why she'd stare at me in the mirror... why her ghostly presence echoed off of any glass windowpane I'd walk by. Why her rippled soul danced along the ripples on every pond I ever peered into.
A significant part of her story was that she grew up in Charlotte, North Carolina. You may or may not assume this by seeing her now, but apparently, she was picked on as a kid. But no, of the myriad of reasons she could have chosen not to stay in the place she once called home, it was grief, mostly... mainly... that kept her from coming back.
Even for the holidays.
Granted, there wasn't much for her to come back to. The family reunions are hauntingly peaceful. The conversations are all one-sided and ghostly quiet. There's nothing to see but a field of endless granite and marble stones and all of the names and dates etched into each one. She never felt any closer to the woman who adopted her by standing over her grave.
So she never came.
But now, my reflection has taken a new form.
One that has me thinking about grieving.
The last time I was in a Revolution1 ring I was against my new favorite person to battle but simultaneously my least favorite person to fight. Jessie Lee is inspiring for all of the right and wrong reasons, or so it seems. It's been a while since I've felt truly competitive in a horrorcore environment. Whoever books these kinds of matches hasn't been doing my body any favors.
Because when it comes to fighting for one's own survival, Jessie Lee is one of, if not the best there absolutely is. And to be honest, when my reflection first broke into this business, it wasn't about earning a paycheck or winning a championship. It was all about learning how to fight so that, just in case something were to happen in, let's say, a dark alley... I wouldn't be as helpless as I was the last time.
But there's a big difference between being knowing what's coming and jumped from behind. Taking on Jessie in an electrified steel cage has got to be one of the craziest things I've ever agreed to do... but at least I knew beforehand what I was getting myself into. At least I knew that Jessie and I were going to have another battle in our all our war and that, typically, both of us would end up hurting by the end. I even kind of figured that it would be Jin that would repel down from the rafters or cut up from underneath the canvas to come make the save. Wow, I couldn't have been more wrong.
The truth is that, despite what seems to be every reason in the world for me to not like Jessie personally, I damn sure can't help but to respect her. And to be even further honest, I actually do kind of like her, too. She's tough. She's a fighter. She's everything that a younger me wanted to be growing up. And just between you, me, and the mirror? I absolutely love her accent.
With that being said, though, there's a lot that she does that I don't agree with. I think we're all entitled to our opinion, but... I guess in this particular case if you're going to accuse me of being a little too emotionally invested in my opinion I'd have to say I'm guilty as charged. I think she can do better. No, I know she can do better, but I also know that 'better' is a lot to ask from someone who is already trying their best. In reality, I know that Jessie is doing what she can and also, more importantly, I know that she's only doing what she wants to do... and I don't want to begrudge her, or anyone, from doing just that.
Yet when it comes to horrorcore and the one golden rule of having no rules... when it comes to fighting for survival I AM absolutely competitive and I just love the challenge. I love walking out of a fight... (or in this case being stretchered out) knowing whether or not I would have survived in real life or if I would have been a dead carcass laying on the side of the road. I love being better than the next person, but I also love to hate it when I fail, too. I love having a new reason to push myself... a new angle to view on film... a new technique to study... a new discipline to learn that would make Magdalena Lockheart that much more dangerous the next time she finds herself in that exact same situation.
Which makes it odd, almost, that I was surprised by the ending of our little match in Charlotte. Surprised, but I shouldn't have been, I guess. It's a lot easier to see now that it's already happened, but I should have known that the ghosts of our past were going to come back to haunt us eventually. I had to have known that making the choice that I made was going to come back and end up biting me squarely on the ass anyway.
Because it wasn't Jin at all that surprised us, no.
It was XYZ.
It's a lot easier looking back on it to realize that I should have known XYZ wouldn't have stayed down. I should have known that when I decided to stay on the Legacy brand and go for the Legacy top championship that I wouldn't have been the only one. Jin and Jessie represent a challenge for me, one that I was quite eager to take on, but I should have known that they both would have inspired that same challenge in others... even if those others have already been beaten.
And XYZ, let me make one thing perfectly clear with you, I don't really know who you are well enough to judge you as a person, but I do know what I saw from you the night Jin rose to power. It was a war, yes, but it was also just a flat-out mess. I honestly don't know how someone could be so proud of something so disingenuous and dishonorable. But I guess I get it in a way, too. Fake it until you make it... if you're not good enough to be champion then there's nothing stopping you from trying to steal a title and calling yourself a champion anyway...
The history books read all the same.
The funny part is, the truth is on the tips of all of our tongues but none of us seem to have the balls to say it. The reason that Jin was able to win the big one is the same reason that you were in the match in the first place... and that's because Sierra Silver wasn't there to defend her belt. If she didn't have to leave out then Jin would still be in the same position that you are... someone who is so close but yet so far... someone who still has all of the potential in the world but seemingly can't find that one small piece that they need to get through that glass ceiling or over that proverbial last bump in the road.
So there's a part of me that does understand your grand reentrance. There's a part of me that understands why you'd make your way down and take out your frustrations on Jessie. Gotta try to get under Jin's skin, somehow. Gotta do what you need to do to make sure that you're still even the tiniest bit relevant.
We are not the same.
Hell, I didn't expect to win Remembrance, but I'm also proud of it and everything else that I've managed to accomplish this year. But when I lose, I lose. It's okay. I know what I am and I know what I'm capable of. And when I don't get my way, I don't point fingers at the world at large.
We are not the same.
I want to beat Jessie, too. I want to beat Jin and I want to become the new Revolution1 Legacy World Champion. But when my hand gets raised, I want it to be because I was the better fighter than Jin was that night. I want to figure out a way where I can truly say that... not just pretend that I won when the whole world saw my lackeys at ringside doing every thing they could to make sure that I did.
We are not the same.
You might think that we're on the same side, XYZ, simply because we both want the same goal. But trust me, it's not like you think it is at all. I want to make Legacy a better brand while I'm on it... but I also want to be able to look myself in the mirror afterward, too.
