Post by Ross Hanson on Jun 27, 2021 14:26:28 GMT -5
"Won't you believe it, it's just my luck…"
Scattered clips from a very early music video for "School" by Nirvana are sprinkled throughout a very brief thirty second video; one that has a lot to unpack, especially to one with a sharp eye and whom pays attention to things that happen outside of their immediate sphere of influence.
"Won't you believe it, it's just my luck…"
We see a wild man in a loincloth running across a wrestling ring, landing a cannonball senton in the corner on an unlucky opponent.
"Won't you believe it, it's just my luck…"
We see an MMA fight taking place in Abu Dhabi where the same man, now in light and navy blue trunks, takes down a familiar face to MMA fans and locks him into an armbar, forcing him to tap out.
"Won't you believe it, it's just my luck…"
...same guy, maybe, in a red and white mask and singlet giving somebody a high altitude German suplex, tossing them onto someone as if to assist them with a moonsault…
"...NO RECESS!"
...this is definitely the same guy, with an older red haired woman and a Russian looking man, all three in gym-branded blue and white shirts posing for a photo…
"...NO RECESS…."
...okay this one is just a selfish of him inside of a Kroger with a kid going through the cereal aisle…
"...NO RECESS…"
The video ends on a still of this man in the corner of a ring, grinning at the camera with what could be best described as two parts lunacy and one part madness.
"NO RECESS!"
However, this time an added audio clip of a few spoken words….well, more like shouted in a raspy voice...and on an abrupt cut to black, music disappearing along with, those piercing sounds are all we are left with.
"ROSS HANSON IS HERE TO SIN!"
"What did you think?"
I turned away from the TV and looked over at maybe the only person I have in my life to answer that question honestly.
"Well, I've seen a lot of promos. That was certainly one of them."
She looks totally unaffected by my video package. I knew I shouldn't have made it with Windows Movie Maker.
"Do you ever say anything nice?"
"Only to my grandson. Truth be told I'm actually salty with you for making me a grandma at 34."
"Don't, Mom. Just don't. You act like I just scoured the ends of the earth looking for a woman with an undiagnosed terminal disease to knock up."
I really hope I don’t have to hear this for the rest of my life.
"Yeah. I wish I could have been in the room when your father told you that the boy was yours."
"....no. No you don't."
I kind of chuckled, but it was an uneasy one. Maybe someday I’ll talk about it, but not today.
"So let me ask you this. Do you really think you can take a two year old on the road? You just decided that you were going to get back into the business and don't have a plan beyond that?"
I shook my head, whilst getting up from my chair.
"No. I have a plan. Several, actually."
I needed to get lunch made for the mini-human. Right now, he’s perfectly happy on the other side of the room, playing with his new favorite toy - a blue stuffed unicorn. I need to get Tara Fenix to autograph it.
"Well one of them better be you finding a babysitter while you enter an open battle royal. I can’t watch him for weeks at a time while you get stranded in Abu Dhabi again because someone on the crew sneezed on the catering table and got everyone sick."
Mom pulls herself off the couch, while I meander towards the kitchen praying I have enough milk left to make macaroni and cheese. Then I remembered that boxed Velveeta doesn’t need milk. It comes with that cheese sauce that’s saltier than Jack Sparrow’s nutsack.
"I am sure there will be someone. Hell, Kylie Moore might even watch him."
"Ross, Kylie barely pays attention to her own show. You think you can trust her with your son?"
Since there isn’t shit for protein in these shells, I always toss in some ham cubes when I make this. He likes it, and I’ll eat it.
"If I trust her enough to work for her, I trust her enough to watch my kid for ten minutes."
"Well, if you're saying that you could clear the ring that fast, I would have to agree with you. You could probably eliminate two people at once."
I’m not Gordon Ramsay, but I know how to make shells and cheese with the quickness. I also know how to carry on a conversation while parenting.
"If I get the chance to do that I will. But for right now, I just need to show up."
"Well even if I'm not your biological egg donor, I'll still support you through anything you want to do. If you want to just slam everyone in the company around, I got your back. If you want to make a run at Chelsea LeClair, I can help you with that too. I remember her from OCW."
"She’s got talent."
"Talent only gets you the spot, Ross. Determination is how you keep it.”
With everything added to the pot, there is nothing I can do now but wait. Mom’s grabbing her car keys off the coffee table.
“I have to go, my therapist is going to be calling me any second."
"Okay, I need to send this in so people know Ross Hanson is back."
As always, we share a hug before she leaves.
"Love you son."
"Love you too Mom. Be safe driving home."
When she looks over at her grandson, it is the only time Ariel Shadows smiles.
“I wish a motherfucker would…Maw-Maw loves you, mini-human!”